Monday, February 25, 2013

Sticks and Stones

As you know, if you've read my past posts, I have been working hard to put myself on a healthier path and part of that was walking and then adding a bit of running. Well a couple weeks ago I increased my running to two sections of my morning walks. Then about a week ago one of my friends suggested we should sign up for The Color Run in Houston on March 24th. I had heard of The Color Run and I have always thought it would be a fun run to do if I were to do a run, so I said yes! I was so excited to have this opportunity plus get to spend time with my friends (which I don't get that often), but I immediately realized that this meant I was going to have to be harder in my workout. Now I'm not expecting to run the whole 5K but I don't want to look pathetic. I've started drinking more water daily and I started running more. I have actually come to enjoy the feeling I experience after finishing knowing I survived, even though I am not one who enjoys running at all!

Some mornings though it really is a struggle. When I get to that point I have to figure out ways to keep myself moving. No matter how I'm feeling I always like to listen to music that pumps me up or encourages me while I'm running. While I'm walking it almost doesn't matter but when I run I need music that fits. I also think encouraging thoughts such as "No matter how fast you go, you're still doing better than everyone still in bed", "God knows you can do it", "The more you do this the easier it will get but you have to start somewhere", or "Show them you can do it". I also have to remind myself that I will live, that a few more steps won't kill me no matter how much I want to quit; mind over matter.

One thing that keeps me moving though is the desire to change. I don't mean change who I am but change the way others perceive me and how I see myself. I've always been a bigger girl and it's effected me my whole life. I don't remember being made fun of but I remember feeling different than the others. As I got older I remember buying clothes and always having to buy the biggest size and even then it was still tight. I couldn't, and still can't, shop for pants at certain stores because they don't sell my size. I can't describe the feeling going shopping when you're bigger leaves behind but it's not a pleasant one. I felt so defeated and worthless all the time. I never liked the way I looked. It took me until my junior and senior years of high school to finally get to a point where I could see myself as more than just my looks. I think I have a wonderful personality but I was afraid to show that to people because of the way I looked. Only my friends knew the real me. It wasn't until I accepted that my physical form didn't determine who I am as a person that I broke out of my shell and became me. I still have problems with my self image but I try not to let it control me.

No matter how much I try, the things people say will still have an effect on me. People say hurtful things all the time. Sometimes they are intended to hurt the other person and other times they are said without thinking but the damage is still done. We are all guilty, at one point or another, of saying something that hurt someone else. I know I've done it especially without meaning it and I try to right my wrong as quickly as possible, but once something is said it can never be taken back. Even though I wasn't make fun of by my peers, I've received harsh words from someplace we should feel safe from that- at home. My dad makes comments all the time about things he doesn't like about people, famous or not, and his own daughter is no exception. All through high school I remember him saying things like, "Your belly's getting a little big" or "You're hanging over your pants" or just straight up "You're getting fat." Even when I was home one time from college I was sitting on the couch and he made a comment (which I can't remember now) as he passed through the room. I glared at the back of his head because it made me mad more than anything but it still hurt to some point. I constantly feel put down by my father on countless things but I've learned how to take those comments and lock them away because my father does not decide who I am and neither should anyone else. I DO!

Same goes for anyone else out there who has to deal with people making fun of them, spreading rumors, or putting them down. You are not defined by the people around you. You are defined by what you make yourself. Only you can choose who you are, no one else. I honestly don't understand how being negative towards someone else and hurting them benefits anyone. If you are so pathetic that you have to make fun of someone else to make you feel better about yourself, that's just what you are- pathetic. You really need to sit at home and look in a mirror because thats where your problems begin. Making fun of others will not last forever and you will soon be out of ways to boost your ego, then where will you be? I'll tell you. Begging for those you made fun of help you out, but I won't blame them if they just look the other way. When you're attacked personally it hurts and no amount of apologizing will ever completely take away the pain.

We are all beautiful because of who we are. Yeah you may not be the most attractive person or have the best personality but by being exactly who we were created to be we are beautiful. If we were all meant to be the same we would have been made that way. The variety and uniqueness in each and every single human being on this planet is what makes us beautiful. Yes, I started my path to being healthier because I want to be skinnier and be seen as beautiful to others, but more so because I want to   see myself as beautiful and show others and myself that I can do what I set out to do and no one will decide my future, not even my own father. That's the only way to be successful when you set out to do anything. You have to do it for yourself because that's the only person who ultimately matters. I don't want to be like everyone else; I want to be me! And that's exactly who I'm going to be!

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